When I was a kid I used to love reading Mad Magazine. Now that I am a mature and rational human being I no longer feel the need, besides the daily newspapers fill whatever desire I might have had for the benign and ridiculous.
I recently read where a young student was suspended from school because he, get this… he ate a Pop Tart into the shape of a gun. How horrible! Imagine what he might have done if he got his hands on a Twinkie.
Frankly I think this young man should be protected by the United States Constitution and I hereby announce my plan to seek an amendment to the Constitution that would allow even schoolchildren to carry filled Pop Tarts on their person at any time. The amendment would read as follows:
“In order to provide for the safety of all of our citizens, especially those in primary school, and allow for a healthier more robust populace, the right of the people to keep and eat Pop Tarts shall not be infringed upon and we hereby grant the privilege of each citizen to own, use, and eat, any form of pastry regardless of its shape or form.”
I intend to create a new organization to be based in Gomorrah, CA, that would guarantee the rights of all U.S. citizens the free equal access to any flavor of Pop Tarts. We intend to print and make available permits to show that you have passed the necessary requirements for owning and eating a Pop Tart.
Membership fees of $1,000 may be sent to me, care of this newspaper and preferably in cash. Simply mark the envelope for the NPA, National Pop Tart Association, and for security, mark the envelope “cash enclosed.” A free cutout carry permit is attached to this article.
Another feature in the local newspaper that certainly would have made the cover of Mad Magazine was the news that on the same day that a new Pope was selected, a group in Switzerland discovered the Higgs Boson particle otherwise known as the “God particle.” What are the chances?
Montana, along with other states, now is planning to allow the eating of road kill. The bill currently is awaiting a hearing in the Senate’s fish and game committee after it passed the House on Feb. 11 of this year.
As a long-time Floridian and avid bicyclist, I constantly see possums and various other tasty treats lying by the roadside being consumed by buzzards. What a waste when there are hungry people all over the place standing in line for expensive hotdogs, hamburgers, and tacos, and here all these delectables are going to waste.
There is a huge controversy going on at the Miami International Airport involving the silly idea of wrapping your suitcases in plastic. As I understand it, these contracts are worth $10-$20 million. I have several boxes of plastic wrap under my sink at home that could easily be used to wrap several suitcases and I’m sure that I could do it for less than $10 million. I am planning to submit a bid for the contract in the near future.
There is a large company that owns a football stadium in Dade County that makes gazillions of dollars. They are asking that taxpayers help contribute to their profits. I for one think this is a great idea and I am planning to open a business soon. I am not sure what type at this point, but I would ask for the same help from fellow taxpayers. If I am successful, I promise to bring a bubblegum championship to Dade County that will certainly generate many dollars. Wish me luck!
THESE JUST IN! Someone’s Jack Russell Terrier just ate $1.11 in pennies and had no ill effects to speak of. Forget about biscuits…I will start giving the neighbor’s dogs pennies and nickels if they promise not to bark. Also, Belgium will be printing their postage stamps with chocolate flavor in the glue. Yummy.
My apologies to Mad Magazine but I no longer see the need for your publication as long as the daily newspapers continue to provide me with all the news that is fit or unfit to print.
Contact Ernie at Community@sochin.com