It has come to my attention after watching the 11 o’clock news and reading the daily newspapers that it is time for a new Florida driving manual. After a great deal of research I have come up with the following new rules of the road:
PEDESTRIANS AND BICYCLISTS
Should you inadvertently strike a pedestrian or bicyclist while driving your automobile, do not stop. I repeat, do not stop! Stopping will only serve to tie up traffic and require an otherwise busy police officer to come and make a report as well as the necessity of sending ambulances and emergency vehicles to the scene. When you arrive at home and your neighbors ask why your car is damaged and that there is blood all over your windshield, simply explain that someone else must have been driving your car
You;ll notice that many new automobiles have a lever to the left side of your steering wheel which will turn on blinking lights to alert other drivers of your intention to turn. Frankly this is none of their business. You know where you are going so why tell everyone else in the world that you are about to make a turn. Let them figure it out for themselves.
If possible go to your nearest auto dealership and have this device removed from your vehicle. Research has found that these directional signal light controls actually interfere with your ability to text or talk on your cell phone. Important calls and texts might be interrupted while you are signaling your intention to make a left or right turn.
Should you be spotted while committing a crime and find the need to flee, do so immediately. If you see a police car following you with blue lights flashing, simply drive away as fast as you possibly can. Eventually you’ll be caught and videotaped lying flat on the ground with plastic handcuffs holding your wrists together behind your back. You are sure to make the 11 o’clock news.
If at all possible, find a way to the nearest expressway and try to reach speeds of over 100 mph. This will assure you of national helicopter coverage, which only a select few are able to receive. You eventually will be videotaped as you try to flee your vehicle and once again being held on the ground by a bunch of angry police officers. This time it will be on national TV and you will be famous.
Historically the left hand lane on most highways was considered the “passing lane.” Times have changed and now the left-hand lane may be used for casual driving and scenery observing. If you find people behind you flashing their lights and blowing their horns, simply ignore them. If they are in that much of a hurry they should have left earlier. When you find that it is time to exit the highway to the right, wait until the last possible moment to cross all of the other lanes. By doing this you’ll avoid using the distracting directional signals and confusing other drivers.
In the past an orange light indicated caution. This of course applies to other people, because to you, the driver, this is a signal to speed up and try to make it through the intersection before the light turns red.
If you do not already have a license to drive in the state of Florida, don’t worry about it. Hardly anyone else does anyway. The same goes for auto insurance. Why bother paying these expensive premiums when so many others don’t find it necessary?
Note: Driving classes will be given at Ernie’s Driving School on every Sunday that falls in the middle of the week. Please call for an appointment.