Solve the national debt by charging for emails

By Ernie Sochin….
I am about to solve the national deficit. After all those high-paid advisors have wasted their time working on the problem, I have a plan that is sure to work.

Charge for emails! Now hold on. Don’t get your self in an uproar. Hear me out. By simply charging, let’s say 10 cents per email, with the proceeds going right to the government coffers, just imagine the inflow of money. Now here is the best part. Everyone (including me, unfortunately) would have to pay 10 cents for each BCC or CC that I send out.

Boy, will that slow me down and all those folks like me who seem to have nothing to do with their time except to send out emails. There are some “friends” who actually send them to me in batches of four and five at a time with literally hundreds of copies to all their other “friends.”

Why am I getting so riled up about this? First, I have four email accounts, count ’em: 1-2-3-4.

On each one I get literally 75 to 100 emails per day. Maybe three or four require my attention or some type of response. The others? Just how many people must be linked to me on Linked-In and what good does it do for me or any of them? I have heard that there are offices running contests to see who gets the most people to join their Linked-In network.

Google is now introducing another networking plan, Google+. Another is called Branch Out. Who needs any more? Facebook was fun and interesting at one time until I somehow got sucked into a thing called “Guess where my feet are.” I didn’t realize that this was a major adventure with absolutely no value to anyone but I started receiving tons of emails asking me to guess where people, who I don’t even know, have placed their feet. I answered the first one with “In your shoes, stupid” not realizing that I at that moment joined a movement, which was very difficult from which to extract myself.

There also is one that asks you to see what someone else thinks about you. “Is Ernie Sochin Sexy?” Of course he is! Who needs to ask, but lots of people do and I get hundreds of requests to join some group to find out who says what about me. Recently some guy that I hardly know claims that I said, “I would kiss him on a first date.” To paraphrase an old Henny Youngman joke; “Take my friends… Please!”

For a while I began answering all those emails from people in various African counties who have millions of dollars left to them by a recently deceased uncle who was National Finance Minister in Mombabutu. All they want is my bank account number and password so they can share it with me. What nice people. I used to reply with a request that they send me a package with $20,000 in U.S. currency and once I receive this I will begin negotiations with them. I didn’t get too many responses but I keep trying.

I have one problem and that is curiosity. Some of the junk I get is really funny or interesting and I hate to miss out on the latest joke or photographs from the Himalayas, but if I spent the time to open each one, I would have time for nothing else.

I tried asking a cousin to send me only stuff that was important. She no longer speaks to me and I haven’t heard from her in several years. I can’t afford to lose too many friends and don’t have that many relatives so what do I do?

Back to my budget idea: If you had to pay a dime for every name on your email list, would that discourage you from sending out so many? What about 20 cents each? Think about it.

Some more ideas… Charge politicians $1 for every Robocall to an individual. If they really want your vote, it should be worth a buck, right?

Another: Close the post office, or at least stop home delivery. I can’t remember that last time I got something important in my mailbox. Well maybe a few, but UPS or Fed X could handle the important stuff. All those banks offering me free checks, which all I have to do is sign, are starting to get on my nerves and my document shredder is wearing out. I am on my third one!

Do away with the stock market. That is costing people billions of dollars and I just learned that there are gurus with computer algorithms that are buying and selling stocks in nano-seconds and determining the cost of oil and other commodities while we mortals try to analyze and determine what to buy and sell.

There are many more ideas but I ran out of space.

Th-th-that’s all, folks.

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1 Comment on "Solve the national debt by charging for emails"

  1. Just charge blacks $1.00 per email ingoing/outgoing, help pay for affirmative action

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