Advice for getting through a divorce

My ex-husband continues to make my life miserable. What I don’t understand is that he’s the one that had the affair. Why does he continue to act this way?

Who knows and who cares? Are you going to spend your precious time and energy figuring out why? Instead, figure out how you are going to find peace in your new life. That’s where you need to put your energy. Who gives a rat’s behind “why” he’s doing it. He’s a miserable person. Are you going to be miserable right alongside him or are you going to take control of your peace of mind and happiness? List the ways he is making your life difficult (you are choosing to be miserable), then write a solution next to each situation that will give you peace. Don’t focus on what is fair or what the MSA says, but what will give you peace. After you do that, think of ways that you can attain that solution. Here’s an example. The MSA states that your ex has to drop the kids off bathed and fed at the end of his weekend. He doesn’t do it. The kids come home hungry and dirty. Your lack of peace is coming from the “it’s not fair” syndrome, “I’m going to make him comply” mindset and your lack of acceptance that he won’t. Here is the solution. Accept the fact that divorce is not fair, you will probably never get him to comply and accept that the kids will come home hungry and dirty, and turn that time into quality time with your kids. At the end of the day, it’s truly his loss and your gain. Think about this. Do you want to be happy or be right?

How do I balance my new role of single mom and being a single woman?

Great question and one of the biggest challenges of divorce. After a divorce, a woman is left standing holding a bag of pieces and wondering how she is going to put all of that back together in a new way. She has the responsibility of comforting, nurturing and protecting her children, but she also has a responsibility to herself as well. She is now faced with the task of reinventing herself as a woman. The key word in your question is balance. So many times I see women focus so much on their children that they forget or don’t have the time and energy to focus on themselves. If you are happy, your children will be happy. Take time to reconnect with the woman in you and not the mom. There is nothing wrong in taking time out for you. A word of caution, don’t let people’s perception bother you. If you were still married, you would go out to dinner and leave your children with a babysitter, right? So, then why is it looked upon differently when a divorced mom does it? But people say things like, “You should be home with your children.” Don’t get caught up in what I call Divorced Mother’s Guilt. I’m not talking about getting divorced and going wild, I’m talking about dong what you would normally do. Keep the scales balanced.

Note to Self: There is hope in all things new. Today I start my new life with excitement.

Debbie’s Library:
• The Courage to be a Single Mother by Sheila Ellison;
• A Year by the Sea by Joan Anderson;
• A Weekend to Change Your Life by Joan Anderson

Debbie Martinez is a Certified Divorce Life Coach. She has given workshops on divorce and women’s issues and has offices in South Miami. For information, call 305-984-5121 or go to <>.

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