How do you know when you are growing old?
Firstly, when you begin to read something with a title like this.
When people no longer refer to you as “dude” and “my-man” and instead begin calling you “sir,” you know you have reached the turning point.
When your grandchildren, as mine do, offer to help you up every time you rise from a chair or low sofa.
When after three trips to the kitchen you still don’t remember what you went there for. My suggestion is try a fourth trip — sometimes that works.
When your conversations go something like this: “I ate in this wonderful restaurant the other night. I think it was Italian or something but I forget the name. It’s right on that Main Street with all the lights and near the corner of that other street, you must know the name.”
When the girls that you flirt with are no longer intimidated by you and begin looking at you as a sweet old man.
When, as happened to me, your neighbor pulls into his driveway and makes the comment that you were the old man tying up traffic on Old Cutler Road by driving so slow. And I thought I was speeding along quite handily.
When strange things happen to your clothes from just hanging in the closet: Example: All of my pant legs seem to have grown substantially so that I am constantly dragging them under my shoes as I walk. At the same time that this is happening all of my waistbands have been shrinking on those very same pants. Tried to explain that one!
When every new gadget comes along — for example new iPhones or new computer programs — you go into a state of panic. How will you ever learn to deal with these things? My answer has been to call my 11-year-old granddaughter, Sienna, for help. To show how much she loves her Papa, she has given me a coupon book good for so many tech support calls.
When I read the paper and look at the ads for all the new technical stuff I honestly have little idea what they might actually be used for. I invested in a Roku box which everyone said I must have and now that I have it I truly have no idea what to do with it. I’m sure I will eventually figure that out as I am currently paying a monthly fee for a thing called Netflix which is also a mystery to me.
Bear in mind that I spent most of my growing up years deeply involved in various technical hobbies, etc., but again, I was a bit younger then.
Don’t try to do simple things like spread a bag of mulch, brush your pool, do any form of gardening, as you will no doubt end up as I do, totally exhausted, with aches and pains all over. Believe me, this did not happen several years ago but I can count on it now.
Another test is when you open the newspaper each day you first to look at the obituaries, mainly just to make sure your name isn’t there, and then to be sure that others are living much longer than previously expected thereby giving you a good chance at long life. Of course this is all done now before reading the comics which was my usual routine. You see how things change?
Suddenly the whole world seems to be on Facebook. I guess that it is a sign of age when you are no longer interested in where people are having coffee or lunch or whatever. I guess that may make me a snob but I really don’t care about these things and everyone else seems to.
How’s this one? It seems like yesterday that I finally became old enough to join AARP. Recently my baby daughter told me she just joined and my little boy so on to follow. People often ask me how old my kids are. How do I answer them?
Driving more than a few miles to a restaurant is now a chore and, besides, I will forget the name of the place soon after. Yes, all these things that you seem to forget are not really gone but lying just beneath your skull where they will eventually pop into your head when you no longer need it. Whew!
All of the experts say that the way to remain young is to embark on a vigorous exercise program. Not so! I have been going to the gym for many years and have noticed that the weights seem to be getting heavier each year to the point where I can barely lift some of them. For some reason the little young women who also go to this gym have no trouble with these weights. What could possibly be wrong?
AND NOW THE GOOD NEWS!
In addition to the discounts offered by AARP and many senior citizen discounts that some merchants occasionally offer, a big benefit is that at a certain age you will no longer be required to remove your shoes and belt at the airport check-in line. Personally this has saved me a few embarrassing moments when my trousers slipped down, but that is no longer a concern.