Advice for getting through a divorce

I’ve been out of the dating arena for a while and I know the “rules” have changed, but how long should I wait before having sex with someone that I’ve been seeing for a while? A little help here.

I always laugh when people talk about dating rules. I didn’t realize there were any rules other than respect and common courtesy, and those are steadfast regardless what generation you fall into. There are no “rules” other than how you feel, how the other person feels and communication. People mull over the concept of “time” but it’s really about genuine feelings; and no, I’m not talking about lust. There is no magic number of dates or type of dates or months; it’s connection and what you are looking for.

A couple could meet and in three dates realize there is a connection they want to explore and then there could be a couple who have gone on different types of dates for three months and they still aren’t sure. For example, let’s say that both people don’t want a relationship, but only want sex; they are in agreement. It becomes tricky when one person thinks sex means they are now a couple and the other person isn’t quite feeling it that way. Now the door has been opened to the hallway of confusion, hurt feelings and awkwardness.

My take on all this is keep it simple and become friends first. Before you have sex, allow yourselves the time needed to establish a friendship and see if this is really a person you want to sleep with. This has become a world of instant gratification and, in so doing, you are cheating yourself out of the amazing feelings of anticipation, excitement and closeness that waiting can bring. Don’t take the shortcut to becoming lovers first and then friends. Rule of thumb, it takes two people to have sex, it should take two to make that decision. Be on the same page. Be honest with the other person on what you are looking for and let them make their decision based on honesty and not assumption. Everyone will be happier when the lights are turned back on.

Note to Self:

I will make my sexual decisions based on what will be good for both of us, and with clear understanding.

Debbie’s Library

The Mastery of Love

by Don Miguel Ruiz

Debbie Martinez is a Certified Life Coach specializing in divorce, relationships and women’s issues. She has offices in South Miami. For more information, go to <www.thepowerofdivorcecoach. com> or call 305- 984-5121.

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