Wednesday , 10 February 2016

Advice for getting through a divorce – According to our agreement, my ex is required to notify me of school activities, etc., but she never does.

Debbie MartinezAccording to our agreement, my ex is required to notify me of school activities, etc., but she never does. I always miss things and I keep asking, but she ignores me.

Simple, my friend, be proactive. Call the school, email teachers, coaches, etc. and ask them to please include you when sending out papers or email. No need to use this as an opportunity to bash your ex, take the high road. Yes, she should be doing this, she’s legally bound to do this, but she’s using this to be manipulative. Remember, whoever angers you controls you. Do you really want to feel controlled by your ex?

When my ex comes to get the kids, he tries to argue with me about different things as the kids are getting in the car. We end up fighting and then my kids leave for the weekend and I feel terrible.

Nothing is worse than going a whole weekend knowing your kids were upset and you can’t see them. Send your ex an email stating that since the two of you are unable to communicate civilly in person, you will only communicate via text or email. When he comes to pick up the kids, you will not be rude, but you will not engage in conversation. Any questions he may have should be addressed by email prior to pick up. If, once he is at your house, he tries to engage you, be polite, smile and remind him that now is not the time and you’ll look for his email.

I’m staying in the marital home, but I hate it. I hate being where he was. What can I do? I can’t move.

You need to reclaim your home. As difficult as it is, try to be patient with yourself because that feeling does go away. Depending on your budget, you can buy new furniture or simply change your bedding. Move things around and take things down. Have a garage sale and get rid of things that don’t make you feel good and use the money to buy new, fun things that will make you smile. Even little changes will give you a feeling of ownership. You can smudge your house and have a little ceremony, speaking affirmations in each room of all good times yet to come in this house. There is a season for everything, including houses.

No matter what I say, my ex says the opposite. It’s making me crazy!

If something is making you crazy, you have the power to stop it. Communicate only when necessary, do not get into debates with him and keep all emails very business-like. Resist the need to have the last word or prove your point. He probably really isn’t interested in a solution, only making you crazy. See his behavior for what it is; laugh and go get a pedicure.

Debbie Martinez is a Certified Divorce Life Coach. She has given workshops on divorce and women’s issues and has offices in South Miami. For more information, go to

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