Thanksgiving has come and gone. Black Friday has come and gone. Cyber Monday has come and gone. Travel Deal Tuesday has come and gone. But Christmas, as always, is just around the corner. So just say it like Bruno Mars says it — I’m a dangerous man with some money in my pocket — then seize the shopping spirit of this strange season.
Rarely has a lump of coal felt more appropriate. A sense of doom persists in our divided country so much so that it feels like Shakespeare might shout: a pox on both your houses. These days, everyone has a few relationships going south, many hitting close to home. Given such bad blood, since Christmas challenges even the most dedicated gift giver, this year might be the time to remember that lavishness has limits. Giving to your children must remain sacrosanct, but for the deplorable, why not consider something intended to convey your bitter spite, since clearly, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. With bile in mind, because family arguments bring holiday armaments, here is a guide to second class gifts for the twelve days of Christmas.
1. A Special Book: No one has been more central to making America great again than President Donald J. Trump. In his honor, a perfect gift for the times is The Art of the Deal. It is ranked #1610 in Amazon’s Book Listings, or as the President would put it, “Everyone is saying that it is #1.” I recommend the audiobook; listening to this during your commute will either entertain you or provide something even more stressful than sitting in Miami traffic.
2. Shooting Lessons: Certain that we already have too many laws? Can’t get enough of domestic violence? Can’t get enough of Wynwood? Give a gift of Lock & Load Miami, South Florida’s premier machine gun experience and state-of-the-art shooting range. As its website says, it offers the nation’s greatest variety of fully automatic firearms with over 25 fully automatic machine guns available for use in packages and a la carte, as if you are going to order weapons from a menu. There is a VIP room for those who also enjoy fund raising events at prisons.
3. A Streaming Subscription: Rarely has the entertainment business offered us so many beacons of inspiration. Whether Louis CK, Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer, Russell Simmons, Jeffrey Tambor, Jeremy Piven or Steven Seagal, offering up a Netflix subscription with a side of Pepto-Bismol should do the trick. All these guys make the Kardashians seem like royalty.
4. Beachfront Property: Prices are high, options few, and quality subpar. Buy now and tell the recipient that insurance is cheap.
5. A Gas Hog: Prices have been relatively consistent since President Obama caused them to rise a few years ago. A perfect gift for the future defaulter in your family would be a used Hummer.
6. Political Activity: For your demonstrating protestor, nothing says good judgement like an Al Franken 2020 bumper sticker.
7. Stocks: Although it may be too late for Kodak, Blockbuster and TWA, though the stock market is at an all time high, there are a few stocks that numbskulls should consider: Sears and J.C. Penney. Seems like Roebuck was a visionary.
8. Club Membership: For those who can afford it, a gift certificate to Mar a Lago will allow you and your compassionate cardiologist friends to pal around with the nouveau aristocrats up the coast a piece to help drain the swamp.
9. Ornaments: This is another presidential suggestion. Given the approval over allowing more imports for the kids, a gift of ivory has never seemed more relevant.
10. Garden Supplies: Weeds. They’re low-down, stubborn little rascals. And Roundup understands them like no other. So if you have a weed control problem, you can bet Roundup has a weed control product for it, one that’ll get you back to kicking back and enjoying your Christmas.
11. Sports: Dolphins tickets in the upper deck of the end zone.
12. Consumables: Gift cards for the Beverly Hills Grill, the Rascal House, Wolfies, or Westside Bagels.
