During the journey many of us will take with an older family member there will come the juncture of whether to have in-home care, a move to a smaller place or a move to an assisted -living facility.
On an emotional level, we all think it’s better for everyone if they stay in their home with in-home care. That works if family members are within a 15-minute drive. If this isn’t the case, then one must really begin to think about “the best care.”
Best care means the best for everyone concerned. These are tough issues and we tend to put off these decisions until you need to make them. That is the wrong time — you’re under an amazing amount of pressure, emotions are swirling and not all family members agree on the definition of “best care.”
My father always said he was going to die in his home. That he would only be taken out “feet first.” The children always went along with him because there was no need to rock the boat. Mother, whose dementia was getting worse, would agree with Dad.
In order to accommodate Dad, we hired a caregiver to come in three times a week to “entertain” Mom. The bad news is caregivers don’t stay forever. (In this case six months, which is a long time in the caregiver world.) We hit the jackpot with our first one but then the next three simply didn’t do the job. were late, wouldn’t show up —all the usual employment issues.
Several questions must be asked:
How many family members living in the home?
Do both need care?
How mobile are they?
Does anyone drive?
Do they need 24-hour care or will 4-6 hours, three times a week suffice?
Does anyone have dementia/alzheimer’s?
Once these questions are answered then it’s easier to come up with a solution. Following are some practical things to think about:
How much money is there?
Is there a long term care policy?
Do you need to be “medicaid ready?”
Are there other benefits for which a family member is eligible?
In the case of Mom and Dad, we had a catastrophic event and we had to move them from their home to a totally new location. This is why asking your parents what they want done in their “final chapter” is so important. It’s an extremely difficult conversation and we tend to avoid it. DON’T! If you don’t think you’re capable of having this discussion, hire someone to assist — often loved ones hear bad news better from outsiders.
Each journey with aging loved ones is separate and often stressful. That is why it’s incumbent upon the family to discuss wishes and needs before they must be implemented.
H. Frances Reaves, Esq., a graduate of the University of Miami Law School, spent 10 years as a litigator/lobbyist. Today, she Is an accomplished business woman who, when her parents could no longer take care of themselves, learned the ins and outs of senior care (or the lack thereof). She founded Parent Your Parents to assist seniors and their children through the myriad pitfalls and options of “senior care” in the 21st Century. If you have any questions or comments contact Frances at hfrancesr@parentyourparents.com.
