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At the end of my first subbing day, a student asked if the class could instead call me – Mr. Fern.
Logically I asked why they would name me after a plant. He said – “because you make it “Fun To Learn” (get it?) And at that moment – in all schools and beyond, I became Mr. Fern.
I KNOW MY AUDIENCE
My substitute teaching is more like standup comedy.
In the past, it has been suggested I:
…be more like other teachers in personality and demeanor – I simply can’t. I am who I am.
…eat in the teacher’s lounge instead of the cafeteria – I never do. I always eat with the kids.
…dress more professionally– I dress for the crowd. I wear Life Is Good t-shirts to discuss the messages, jeans and a different color of checkerboard slip-on Vans for each day of the week.
I teach creativity by showing them how to rap.
I dance on the stage and have been included in TikToks.
I have done everything humanly possible to make it fun during the pandemic.
So…some teachers are permanently Zooming from home with half the class at home as well – while the other half are in school zooming with the teacher and the kids at home. I substitute for teachers’ classes who are in school. However, the kicker is, I have those classes in the auditorium, all at once.
For safety, I have built the most elaborate social distancing matrix of any school auditorium in the country. Not really, but I tell the kids that so they feel special and protected. Vertically, they sit every other row and horizontally they sit six seats apart.
The only thing tougher than distance learning is “doing it” in an auditorium. That’s why I have converted the auditorium into Mr. Fern’s Fun House.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, CAN
For example, I have strung lights on the stage and powered up two seven foot multi-colored lighting boxes. There is a lamp post with two giant Styrofoam cowboy hats on top, and a very funny “sanitation department” with three kinds of sanitizer.
Then there is “The Drama Can.” This project started while subbing for the drama teacher. We “dressed” a Lysol can as a gender-neutral actor wearing a pink tutu (scrungee), red wig (art tape) a mini mask (cut from a real mask) and even a school ID (with an actual picture of the Can).
We were to write a screenplay titled “The Life of a Covid-19 Can.” The Can’s Instagram account already has 143 followers including students and teachers and was designed and is currently maintained by students. Feel free to join @thedramacan
I NEED TO GO
Students are no longer allowed to “go to the bathroom.” I tell them, bathroom is such an elementary school word since they are middle schoolers.
They first must say “may I please use the restroom,” as restroom is a much nicer way of asking and more becoming of middle schoolers.
Then, they must beat me in Rock, Paper, Scissors. I have used scissors in every “competition” and they still have not caught on. After three misses I let them win to prevent accidents.
Throughout the day there are dead computers. I have designed two “innovative” circular “Charging Pods” with chairs six feet apart and extension cords in the middle.
OWN YOUR DECISION
I tell them “I’m not your babysitter, will not look over your shoulder to see if you’re doing work. That’s your responsibility, not mine. If you want to skip your virtual class, play video games and text – it’s your decision not mine – as well as your consequences.”
However, they do not dare disturb others who are “in class” and working. If they do, it’s a one-way ticket to the principal’s office.
So in a time when teaching during the pandemic hasn’t been much of a joy – I welcome students to Mr. Fern’s Fun House.
This column is by Ritchie Lucas, Founder of The Student Success Project and Think Factory Consulting. He can be reached at 305-788-4105 or email at ritchie@thinkfactory.com and on Facebook and You Tube as The Student Success Project. NOTE: Guest contributor Lori Moldovan, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern, was unavailable for this column due to her extremely heavy caseload related to the pandemic.
