I would be remiss if as a columnist I did not comment on the recent Iowa caucus. My good friend and real columnist Dave Barry had already written about it and made clear that no one who has ever won the Iowa caucus became president.
By the time you read this, the New Hampshire primary already will be over, and we will have seen all of the questions and answers given by the press and the candidates, so to straighten things out, replace Iowa with New Hampshire. It should work out the same.
I think after watching both of these, plus the many debates on television, that I may now offer myself as a candidate for the presidency of the United States.
The first thing I would do is to increase military spending and send more troops to fight against Al Qaeda, ISIS, Boko Haram Abu Sayyaf, and all the other terrorist organizations that seem to want to kill us. By having more soldiers we will prove to the rest of the world that we are indeed the strongest nation and they better not mess with us. I would think by now they would’ve learned that but apparently we just haven’t had enough troops to prove it.
Some of the other things I would do immediately, would be to grant large tax deductions to all the very rich people that pay the most. We all know that once they receive these deductions they will immediately go out and hire more people thereby reducing unemployment in this country. Yeah, sure! To meet the challenge from China, I will limit my intake of egg rolls and wonton soup to two portions per week. That ought to hurt them.
I would weigh in on the death penalty issue by eliminating it for all but those people who constantly call me on my phone to tell me I have won a vacation or that they have a magic cure for diabetes, and all the other wonderful things that they have to offer.
I would give special attention to those guys with foreign accents who call to tell me that they have discovered all kinds of viruses in my computer and for a fee they will clean it up for me. How wonderful that they are searching the entire Internet to find me and offer this kind of help. They would be the first ones that I would give the chemicals to or even perhaps think about bringing back Old Sparky. A lighter sentence would be allowed for Microsoft and Apple engineers who keep throwing new stuff at us before we figure out what we already have. Life with a computer in a cell would be fine.
As for immigration, I would allow in anyone without a criminal background that has a job or a trade that they can add to our economy. Of course that would include women unless they are bringing newborn babies to our country to be sure that they get all the benefits of our citizenship. They can come later but not with the babies. Just to be sure I get elected I will add that my parents were immigrants from an oppressive government, and when my father arrived he went to work for a leather factory and remained there for over 60 years.
One of the things that I would stand on is my reputation for “telling it like it is.” I used to hear that a lot when I had my radio shows and I continue to hear it for my articles in this newspaper. Based on this I might even consider The Donald as my vice president. Whether we like it or not he does seem to tell it like it is.
Being a staunch supporter of the United States Constitution I would see to it that the Second Amendment is followed to the letter. In other words, the only ones allowed to have guns would be soldiers and policemen and perhaps a few legitimate hunters. AK-47s would not be available for resale to anyone other than a full-fledged member of the military.
I know this will disappoint many of the gang members who rely on them ensure membership in their gangs. That would be bad news for the company who will soon begin manufacturing AK-47s in Florida. Sorry guys but that is just too good a weapon to hand to a bunch of kids running around various neighborhoods and shooting up the place.
The Second Amendment calls for a well-regulated militia. These guys are not well regulated or part of the militia. Well there goes my financial support from the NRA, but I’m assuming that everyone else will be sending me tens of dollars for my campaign. Hopefully it will be enough offset the budgets of the other candidates I might even accumulate close to $10,000. To help in this cause I suggest you fill an envelope with money, mark it for the Ernie Sochin Campaign for President, and deliver it to this newspaper’s address. Remember: cash only! They will know what to do with it.
