Okay, so a new year has begun! Happy New Year!
What is so special about a new year? Well for one thing, I and a lot of other people will be one year older this year. Normally that is not a big deal, but becoming 82 becomes a big deal.
People, of course, ask me what the secret to my longevity is and my reply is to begin with a healthy diet. Now don’t turn away just yet because I have some valuable information to pass on.
One of my secrets, whenever I am asked “do you want fries with that” is to reply “yes, and make it a large.” This, of course, goes well with the greasy burger or whatever else I am having with the fries.
Now let us analyze this. What I am asking for is essentially more grease and oil with my food. What does grease and oil do for your expensive automobile? Correct — it makes it run better. Why wouldn’t it do the same thing to the human body?
Just imagine that if all the food you ate was lubricated to the point that it went through your system even faster and had less ability to clog, think how much healthier you would be.
Rule No. 2: I try to eat ice cream after every big meal. Here is my scientific evidence on how this will improve your overall health. First you must ask yourself what calories are composed of and how are they measured. We all know that calories are a measure of heat. What is the best way to offset that heat? With something cold of course. Hence you offset the heat from the calories with large scoops of ice cream.
Much better than kale or quinoa, huh?
I am told by several experts in the field that regular physical exercise will keep you young. I believe them, except when I go to my gym, which I do regularly, I notice that the weights seem to be getting increasingly heavy, probably from the sweat, etc., of the previous user.
Over a period of years this must add quite a bit, making the weights much more difficult for me to lift.
I compensate by looking for the lower weights and try to groan extra hard as I lift them so that others will think I am really doing something. For the most part it seems to work except when my grandchildren are at my son’s gym and announce to everybody that their grandpa is only using the 5 pound weights. Thanks, kids!
Speaking of gyms, I have discovered one thing that I am willing to pass on to others — tattoos. For some reason all of the muscle guys at the gym with the beautiful girlfriends seem to be covered with ink. When my wife found out about the beautiful girlfriends she vetoed my trip to the tattoo parlor. As a result I have never developed those huge arm muscles that all the tattoo people seem to have but I am still trying.
You would think that having been on this planet longer than most people you would have gathered a great deal of intelligence which you can pass on to those who follow you. The only trouble is that even though you have learned all of these things over the years you just can’t remember them when you need them.
That of course does not mean that you didn’t know the information to begin with. It simply means that your mind is too busy doing other things to allow you to recite things when needed.
I am advised that there is a cure for this and I am reading a book now on the subject, called Mindfulness. This is a great book that teaches you how to concentrate on the matters at hand and not allow your mind to scatter itself all over the place.
It would probably be very helpful, if I could remember what I read. Eventually I will solve this as well.
One of the things that I do, as I’m sure many other seniors do, is to review the obituary column each day and see how many people I have outlived, as well as how many people are living well into their 90s and 100s, which gives you something to aim for.
I have learned a few tricks over the years, one of which is to carry a cane with you wherever you go. Firstly it may help prevent your falling down, but most important people will be extra courteous to you, allow you to enter the elevator first and actually hold doors open for you wherever you go. Just think of how much energy this will save you over a period of years.
Just buy a cheap drugstore cane and don’t invest in one of those fancy hand carved wooden jobs. You may lose the respect of some of these door holders.
If at this age you plan to own an iPhone or some other technical device, be sure that you have some grandchildren — yours or someone else’s — nearby to show you how to work these damn things. Of course sometime in the future technology will bypass them as well but for the time being use their knowledge.
Happy New Year, I Think
