Don’t say that I didn’t warn you about the demise of Twinkies

Rest in peace, Twinkie.

Rest in peace, Twinkie.

While most of us were involved with selecting a new president, worrying about global warming, and concerned about possible war in the Middle East, a real crisis has befallen us.

In my article on June 26, 2012, I warned of the eventual demise of Twinkies. Well it has finally happened. Who caused this horrible event and what affect will the $68 million sales being generated have on the United States economy? To blame are all of those organic food goodie-goodies and other assorted health nuts set on destroying one of the few happy pleasures remaining in our lives.

As for the effects of Twinkies going out of business you will no doubt see more crime, road rage, bullying, and other manifestations caused by people no longer able to enjoy some of the sweeter things in life. Not long ago we had someone actually trying to eat someone’s face on a bridge in Miami. Just imagine if someone had been able to supply him with Twinkies before this horrible crime. Perhaps if the police had been armed with Twinkies rather than their customary Glocks, a life might have been saved.

My own grandkids may never know the pleasure and delight of the Twinkie. Julia, Sienna and Natalie (heaven forbid I omit one of their names) are forbidden by their parents to even drink a Coke when they visit with us. Water is just fine, they are told by their parents. Those poor kids!

There is some hope for the future. A company called Little Debbie still makes a lot of this stuff and unless the “organic gang” goes after them, they will hopefully supply our needs in the foreseeable future.

Just the other day after enjoying a fantastic meal of French toast with sour cream and strawberries covered with cinnamon, one of these goodiegoodies at another table asked me about the gluten in my meal. I immediately looked carefully at my dish and saw absolutely no gluten. So there!

Now what about the economy? Where are the thousands of skilled workers who were able to inject that delicious cream filling into the Hostess chocolate cupcakes and most especially inside the Twinkies? I often wondered how they actually did that. Where will these skilled workers, all 18,000 of them, now find work? Perhaps they can become bag boys or ladies at the local organic food market or something similar but their skills will no longer be in demand.

I only wish that I had invested in and stocked up on Twinkies when I saw the writing on the wall. Of course with all the preservatives used in their manufacture, they would last many years and still be more than edible. Try doing that with some of the healthy organic foods that everyone seems to think are so wonderful. Of course, in my case, it might not have been a wise investment.

Over the years, just about everything that I have saved thinking that the value would increase has done the exact opposite. I have a huge collection of 33 1/3 LP records that are virtually worthless as well as a bunch of Frank Sinatra albums that I doubt anyone would be willing to pay for. (For you young folks out there, records are round vinyl discs on which you gently placed a device with a diamond or ruby needle into the grooves and by connecting it to an amplifier and two large bassreflex loudspeakers, you were able to listen to music in high fidelity.)

What I didn’t bother to save were my Lionel and American Flyer electric trains nor the tons of World War II souvenirs that I accumulated as a young boy. Most of that stuff would be worth a fortune had I held on to them. I am not quite sure of the future value of Twinkies but I feel confident that they will be quite edible even years from now. Take my advice and invest now. I hear they are becoming available on eBay. Keep your eyes peeled.

(This just in! Twinkies maker will no longer be negotiating with the bakers union. There is no longer any hope.)

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