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With all due respect to Jonathan Swift, given the state of our mental state, not only in this state, but in a number of other states, the need for some action seems necessary if we hope to achieve a sort of societal balance that will be beneficial for us and our mutual futures. For preventing the people of Pinecrest, our children and our grandchildren from becoming a burden on their community and country, and for making their future bountiful, I am proposing a few changes to our way of living before the full displeasures of hurricane season fall upon us and the autumn art season materializes in more comfortable temperatures.
This inspiration does not emerge from nowhere. I have been traveling and reading about the perceived trials and tribulations which face angry and frustrated Americans at this juncture, and based on the observations and experiences I have enjoyed over the past few months in Japan, Istanbul, Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, Munich and Berlin, here are some conclusions I have arrived at which may serve our always ambitious mindset and improve our perspectives.
First, there are a number of activities which we pursue on a daily basis, usually arriving at them via personal automobiles. In order to drive more happily, the removal of traffic signals, stop signs, speed limits, and police would surely ease much of the exasperation vented routinely by hostile drivers. We in Miami already know that turn signals are unnecessary. Given the speedy progress that our construction crews make on road repairs, eliminating the Metrorail, busways, bike paths, and sidewalks in order to add more lanes on all of our roads would enhance our wellbeing. Hopefully, auto manufacturers will realize the uselessness of both small cars and sun guzzling electric vehicles and get rid of them. I would also recommend more and larger billboards everywhere, especially on Old Cutler Road where we can remove all the unsightly and repetitive greenery. Clearly, people will be happier with these advancements.
Next, government should mandate that all restaurants offer a few all you can eat options AND screens at every table so that we will not have to strain our necks watching those already on every restaurant wall. We all know how airlines make us happy with their private screens and spacious seating, so this too will contribute to our self-satisfaction. Adding a small fee for these services should make everyone happy for our restaurant owners who are tormented by high costs.
When it comes to education, having read about the school board meetings during which everyone seems aggrieved and miserable, the following adjustments would undoubtedly satisfy most complainers. It goes without saying that any public school system would ultimately need to be dismantled and all independent schools would embrace legacy admissions as they do now. In the meantime, in order to reduce the number of things that offend us and make our children uncomfortable, we should eliminate all art, music, history, and science classes in order to focus on sports and mathematical economics. We can eliminate objectionable books by eliminating ALL books, and instead, provide every child with the latest phone on which they can do all their work, with Chat GPT and TikTok both preloaded. With young people more devoted to their screens, there will be far fewer behavioral episodes, and teachers can go about the business of checking Facebook, like the parents do when ignoring their own children.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote these necessary suggestions, having no other motive than the good of my community by providing for children, the poor, and giving additional pleasure to the wealthiest among us, whose lives are increasingly burdened by having to pay tax for schools, roads, and to tip waitstaff. As I prepare to embark upon a new career as either politician or influencer, I have no other motivation by which I can propose to gain a single penny; my children are independent, and my wife, tired of thinking. My hope is that the good people of Pinecrest will see the art in my proposal.
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