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It’s hard to keep up with the curated chaos Gov. Ron DeSantis is wreaking on Florida schools. But here are some of the recent topics (and that’s not including the unpermitted guns soon making the rounds in hallways across the state).
Parental Rights in Education Law (i.e., “Don’t Say Gay”), “Stop WOKE Act,” book bans and removal, censoring school plays, non-stop trans-youth discussions, whitewashing African American history, menstruation tracking, attacks on teachers’ unions, targeting school boards, school voucher expansion, the conservative takeover of Sarasota’s New College, dismantling university DEI programs, probing into transgender health services, chopping away at faculty tenure policies.
So what’s next? Since this whole thing is a joke anyway, I decided to research the following bills being discussed in the shadows of Tallahassee chambers.
HB 001
Understanding the sensitivity surrounding Critical Race Theory, a new vote will be taken to make amends to those offended by its previous content including the soon to be offended black and white cartographers and photogrammetrists.
• Florida Board Of Education removes Africa from world maps in books and posters on walls.
• In a show of sincere empathy it was stated by an offended white sixth grader, “Many parents expressed concern that schools were teaching us to be unpatriotic by depicting the existence of the African continent,” who noted that the removal of the world’s second-largest continent from school textbooks and atlases would not prevent parents and students from discussing the contentious geographic issue at home.
• “Some thought seeing Africa drawn on a map might suggest we want white students to feel guilty about themselves. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and we hope this comes across when they see the large landless swath of ocean now visible between South America and Asia. Also, let’s not forget about Africa’s role in the slave trade,” said an unpaid intern.
• At press time, the board had agreed to compromise with critics by adding a second America where the African continent once was.
HB bs 003
Limit the amount of Teacher / Parent Conference Time Because of Cost.
• Teachers can create a comfortable, relaxing environment by removing anything from the room that will remind parents of their kid.
• Parents must be prepared to respond to any mention of their child’s troubling behavior by crossing their arms and saying, “That doesn’t sound like my Nancy Pi at all.”
• It’s imperative the teacher not let on that most parents have no clue what their child is doing in school.
HB bs 005
Perhaps Eliminate The Florida Department of Ed In Its Entirety Since It Can’t Do it Right.
• We need to accept that maybe Florida isn’t cut out for this.
• Leaders concluded this and other actions “after a last-ditch measure to prescribe attention-deficit medications failed to improve results appreciably.”
• There are other things Florida students can do instead…for example, there’s always the military or become literary censors.
HB bs 007
Replace all tests and vendors with a new faster, more efficient K-12 education initiative using a single standardized test.
• Assessment will be used in every public school across the state and will contain identical questions for every student by administering one uniform test to our state’s 2,838,866 students in 4,202 schools in 69 districts.
• Every child is evaluated by the same standard, regardless of background, age, or grade level.
• Eliminating the teaching model will provide the state with the most affordable and efficient means of measuring student proficiency.
• Tying teachers’ salaries to the student’s test scores they hand the assessment to, will also ensure accountability.
HB bs 009
Support parents choosing to raise their children at school rather than home.
• A government official said that many parents who home-school find their Florida households frightening, overwhelming environments for their children. And that’s before the upcoming permitless guns which will be laying around and copies of soon to be banned book Harold and The Purple Crayon (it’s a color thing).
• Every year, more parents find that their homes are not equipped to instill the right values in their children.
• According to a report, children raised at home were less likely to receive individual adult attention.
• “These teachers are dealing with upwards of 40 students in their classrooms at a time, so they know much more about children than someone like me,” said one parent.
We can only wonder how these new bills will fare in the rest of the country given this insanity is 100 percent State of Florida Tested and Approved for a 2024 presidential run. Results to be posted in the Onion Newspaper.
This column is by Ritchie Lucas, Founder of The Student Success Project and Think Factory Consulting. He can be reached by email at ritchie@thinkfactory.com and on Facebook and You Tube as The Student Success Project.
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