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You gotta have some deep pockets to enjoy eating out in Miami. Despite this, everybody seems to be doing it. As scores of hungry dreamers religiously read posts from Eater, The New Times, the Herald, and others, which praise every place they visit, if you want to know the truth, only The Infatuation has a critic who will honestly criticize anything. Like in the transactional private school business, there is mammoth grade inflation, but at the Infatuation. One writer, Ryan Pfeffer, alone can fix it.
In his ratings, like with teenagers and gymnasts, restaurants can achieve a perfect 10. This brother has dealt out 5’s. He called out a Brickell spot recently for its suffocatingly formal atmosphere, its sterile dining room, and its 21 courses that are various levels of disappointing. He called a 3.5 South Beach sushi place perfect – for wasting your time and money. Eater called it destination worthy. The New Times critic got comped, so you know – it was great. Reading the review will get you hit up with a Staples ad. It’s a vortex. Pfeffer bestows 9’s, delivers 8’s, and offers mostly 7’s. He is spot on. In reality, most restaurants are just average or adequate like at home.
Here’s the deal. No matter how much sympathy I have for the bedeviled industry, and no matter how much empathy I have for the staff, the whole rigmarole involved in Miami dining is often a massive cluster #*&$. Fortunately for the industry, Miami has both big money and bad taste.
I should have sympathy for the food writers who would be called into the office were they to criticize an expensive restaurant which might then complain and fail to advertise in said publication. But I don’t for the same reason we shouldn’t accept what we tolerate from other liars and serial fabricators who do what they do and say what they say for votes and power. I recently had a terrible experience in Le Pain Quotidien. Despite the nice atmosphere, excellent service, and polite treatment, the portion was tiny, expensive, and bland.
When the Centurion Restaurant Group bought beloved neighborhood gem Havana Harry’s, lots of fans reacted like the UK to a loss by Liverpool or of the Queen. Graspa has five.
Genuine has six. Juvia has six. Scotch + Bacon seem to have seven. Kush has nine spots.
Grove Bay has ten. Ariete has eleven. Groot has thirteen. Starbucks has 34,000. McDonald’s has 38,000.
They often tout awards they have received, in the same way little league baseball gives out trophies to children to elevate their self-esteem and drum up business. Michelin is now giving out stars like the US News and World Report ranks colleges. These are teams; the players shuffle from one place to another. People don’t merely own restaurants; they create concepts. Chefs may be celebrities, hard workers, or hustlers. It’s strange.
Overpriced mediocrity is normal here as family owned restaurants have been left behind by all these fancy named groups running mini wannabe empires. Maybe they have to do it to survive, or maybe it’s just about the Benjamin’s, but give me Zak the Baker, Fiorito, Macondo, Sanguich de Miami, Airport Café and Liquors, lots of places out west, a good truck and a popup. Hey, Arbetters. Yo, Macita. Say cheese, Ms. Cheezious. What up, Frankie’s. Hola, Versailles.
Man cannot live on bread alone. But if you build it, the critics will come. It’s a nice little American hustle. Praise the concept. If it fails and closes, fuggedaboutit and praise the next spot which conceptualizes in the former location. Unless of course, you are with the Infatuation.
To see more #Miaminews from #Aventura to #Coralgables to #SouthMiami, #Pinecrest, #Palmetto Bay and #Cutler Bay and all throughout #Miamidadecounty go to:
www.communitynewspapers.com
