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Somewhere in France, a tire company decided restaurants should have Michelin stars, and ever since, we’ve been tripping over ourselves to play along. Suddenly, every local chef with tweezers, garnish, and an Instagram account has visions of Parisian inspectors visiting Miami and whispering, “Oui, magnifique,” while diners fork over precious rent money for three bites of ceviche served in a shot glass.
Imagine if Goodyear started rating novels or telling you which opera to see, would you begin to gush over their recommendations? Yet somewhere along the way, this quirky French brochure became gospel, and now chefs dream of nothing more than catching one of those stars so they can hang it in the window, capitalize, and survive. They can charge $45 for three courses of foam, $35 at lunch.
Long before Jeremy Allen White donned that Merz B. Schwanen tee shirt on The Bear, profiteers realized that groups and hype would help restaurants. Here’s the trick though: Michelin stars aren’t about feeding people — they’re about feeding egos. They’re awarded by anonymous inspectors whose qualifications are … well, secret. Which means they could be anyone from a culinary savant to a girl whose papa is on the board. But once the star lands, restaurants magically transform into temples of self-importance, where diners are expected to whisper reverently over microgreens as if in the presence of an environmental Pope.
Of course, once you get a star, you can milk it — even if the chef leaves, the quality drops, or the “signature dish” is a dude throwing salt into the air. People still line up because, hey, Michelin said so. Cue the Instagram page. The price? Let’s just say I could take my family to Aldi and stock the fridge for a month. And at Aldi, no one tells me the birthplace of the chicken in my chicken salad because nobody seems to work there.
Let’s be honest: Miami doesn’t need Michelin stars to know where to eat. We already have abuelas making croquetas at Pinecrest Bakery, Party Cake, and La Carreta that bring grown men to tears, fritangas like Pinolandia serving steak the size of a hubcap, and Cuban sandwiches from Babe’s that belong in the Perez. But no, we have to invite in the tire men, and now it’s all “deconstructed” tamarind this and smoked lavender that. In Miami, the real “three-star” meals come from a pastelito flight, a Rio Grande or Nando Grill churrasco, and beloved rice and beans, no tweezers required.
Here’s a modest proposal: For Miami Spice 2026, Alt-Michelin restaurants will offer $30 lunches and $45 dinners that include real portions, actual seasoning, and desserts that can’t be inhaled in one bite. And Governor DeSantis: extend the tax-free holiday to dining out for a month.
Michelin, take note — in Miami, we don’t need tires to tell us where the good food is. Or for the Michelin brand to stick around like humidity in September. We have our own food trucks and identity.
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