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Purchasing fresh produce can be tricky. On the one hand, there are fruits and vegetables that you know, simply by sight, should not be eaten. Leaves are wilted; color is off; the skin is moldy. The outside says it all. In contrast, other varieties can look just fine on the outside, though the inside is mealy and rancid. In other words, what shows on the surface…is not what lurks beneath.
Outside appearances versus inner thoughts and motivations can puzzle us in human relationships as well. Your friend seemed genuine, listening to you and offering supportive comments—yet later you discover that he or she has discussed your predicament with others in a critical manner. A family member stops by, ostensibly for a social visit, yet the real purpose is to try to triangulate you with another relative. You notice your own inconsistencies—gushing over a friend’s recent success, all the while being aware that you feel jealous and petty inside. Making a comment that you want to seem authentic, though you know in your heart its delivery is passive-aggressive.
It takes careful observation and listening—to others, and to ourselves—to ensure the words that come out of our mouths are consistent with what’s going on inside. This isn’t to suggest that all thoughts should find their way into speech—there is much that should simply be left unsaid! But it does mean when we do speak, it ought to be done honestly and in a spirit of love. It means we should think before we open our mouths—am I being genuine, yet also caring? Am I aware of the impact my words might have upon someone else? Is what I am saying a reflection of my true thoughts…and am I speaking in a way that does not diminish others?
Consistency in thought and speech lead to good communication…when done in a spirit of mutual respect. With this in mind, the old adage can be good advice: say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Kathryn Carroll offers one-on-one coaching, listening and support for individuals facing transitions and dilemmas. She also offers workshops and retreats on a variety of life issues. Learn more by visiting www.conversationswithkatie.org or emailing her at conversationswithkatie@gmail.com
