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Spanish fracas (frah-kah-soh), masculine noun 1. (loss), failure
I was always told, you catch more flies with honey. Some, however, may disagree and will say that with honey you may not catch them at all, but with a fly swatter, you are guaranteed success! This expression lies at the root of a basic dispute on how to approach a discussion aimed at reaching an agreement: or a ne·go·ti·a·tion.
I always like to look for historical context when analyzing next steps or possible approaches to a problem, whether it be business, personal, or animal in nature (zoo pun intended).
Starting at a very early age, we are faced with situations where we need to deal with others because they have something we want, or we have something they want. I have three kids, so I have seen every strategy in the book, as I am sure, so have you.
Negotiation is more than a tactical exchange of offers; it is an intricate dance of psychology, communication, and strategy. From ancient diplomacy to modern boardrooms, the art of negotiation has shaped the fate of empires, businesses and lives. Understanding its diverse styles and drawing from historical examples can empower anyone to become a more effective negotiator.
The Essence of Negotiation
At its core, negotiation is the process of reaching agreement between two or more parties with differing objectives. Successful negotiation is not always about winning; often, it’s about creating value, maintaining relationships, and finding common ground. It involves preparation, emotional intelligence, timing and adaptability. But remember, negotiation is more than just numbers and strategy; at its core, it’s a human instinct—one we begin to practice as children on playgrounds and during snack time. Reminiscent of one of my favorite books, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” by Robert Fulghum.
From Sandbox to Boardroom: How Kids Teach Us the Basics
Children are surprisingly sophisticated negotiators. They instinctively understand key concepts that many executives still struggle with (I can personally attest to this!):
● Trading and Bartering: “I’ll give you my cookie if you let me go first.” This is the purest form of exchange—value for value. In business, this maps to trade-offs in contract terms or resource allocation. Version in my house: (9-year-old) “I’ll feed the dog if you let me play on the iPad for 10 more minutes.”
● Appealing to Emotions or Fairness: “That’s not fair—you had it longer!” Children often invoke fairness to influence outcomes. Adults do the same, especially when invoking shared values or social norms in leadership or stakeholder alignment. Version in my house: (19 and 17 year old) “What? You’re letting him (9 y/o) get away with that? That never happened before. Buy me a new car.”
● Persistence and Timing: Kids rarely ask for something once. They read the room, wait for the right moment, and reframe their ask—skills vital in business development and internal negotiations. Version in my house: (9 y/o) “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom…..”
● Power Dynamics: Older siblings often have more leverage. Similarly, companies or individuals with brand equity, budget authority, or superior alternatives can use their position strategically. Version in my house: (17 y/o older brother to 9 y/o brother) “If you leave the soap at the bottom of the shower again, I will flush you down the toilet.”
The takeaway? The foundational principles of negotiation—value creation, emotional intelligence, patience, and leverage—are visible even in early childhood. They’re human, not corporate.
Five Core Negotiation Styles in Business
1. Competitive (Win-Lose)
● Traits: Assertive, confident, results-driven, can seem arrogant and pushy.
● Business Use: Contract bidding, M&A, high-stakes litigation.
● Child Parallel: “I get the toy or nobody does.” It’s about winning, sometimes at the expense of the relationship.
2. Collaborative (Win-Win)
● Traits: Open, curious, integrative. Can also be viewed as lose-lose. In a collaborative negotiation both parties leave something on the table.
● Business Use: Joint ventures, strategic alliances, leadership decisions.
● Child Parallel: “Let’s both be superheroes!” Shared play reflects shared value—collaboration in its purest form.
3. Compromising
● Traits: Balanced, practical, fair-minded.
● Business Use: Budget discussions, project timelines, cross-functional decisions.
● Child Parallel: “You ride the bike first, I’ll go next.” Each gives a little to keep the game going.
4. Avoiding
● Traits: Reserved, deferential, indirect.
● Business Use: When timing is wrong or stakes are low.
● Child Parallel: Silent sulking. Sometimes, stepping away is a tactic to regain control or delay a response.
5. Accommodating
● Traits: Cooperative, relationship-oriented.
● Business Use: Retaining clients, smoothing tensions, relationship maintenance.
● Child Parallel: “You can have my sticker.” Young kids sometimes give in to keep friendships strong—a move mirrored in client-first cultures.
Cultural, Organizational, and Developmental Factors
● Global Business: Like children in different cultures learn different social cues, international negotiators bring unique communication styles and expectations.
● Corporate Culture: Companies with high collaboration cultures will reward a different negotiation style than hyper-competitive environments.
● Developmental Growth: As children mature, they learn nuance—just like professionals evolve from basic negotiation to influence and persuasion.
Practical Tips for Negotiation
1. Do Your Homework: Data beats assumptions.
2. Start with Curiosity: Questions reveal underlying interests.
3. Know Your Walkaway Point Confidence grows from clarity.
4. Use Silence and Timing: Let the room breathe. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
5. Build the Relationship, Not Just the Deal: Trust compounds.
Conclusion: Negotiation is Human
Whether in a conference room, an international trade dispute or on a kindergarten playground, negotiation is a human behavior grounded in connection, needs, and outcomes. For business leaders, remembering the fundamentals—honesty, curiosity, timing and empathy—can turn transactional moments into transformational ones. A “winner takes all” approach may seem like a good idea at the time, until you’re on the other end of that negotiation.
And the next time you’re in a tough negotiation? Ask yourself “What would a five-year-old do?” The answer might be smarter than you think.
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