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You’re waiting at a stoplight with eyes averted to the phone in your lap. You fail to notice the light has turned green, until a car behind you loops around with its driver staring at you in anger. You catch his rage. Your teenager returns home from school and you engage in small talk as she grabs a snack from the kitchen. You ask what you think is a benign question, and she just looks at you, rolls her eyes and heads to her room. Clearly, she’s done with conversation. Your toddler is playing with a neighborhood buddy who doesn’t yet understand the notion of personal space. The little boy wedges between your son and the toy box, and your child jumps up to sit near you.
In all these instances, communication happens…but the message is not shared with words. Most of us recognize that communication is one of the most important aspects of forging healthy relationships…yet what is perhaps less known, is how much of it occurs without our saying a thing. The adage that 90 percent of communication is nonverbal can be disputed, but there is no getting around the reality that most of our communication comes from sources other than words—facial expressions, tone, body language and more. Why, we can form an opinion about someone’s attitude, personality, and even capabilities, before a word is ever uttered.
Non-verbal communication is a gift when used effectively, yet it can also happen that we inadvertently send inaccurate messages. For example: where do your eyes tend to focus as someone is speaking to you? While being stared at is uncomfortable, a speaker feels valued when the listener is looking at him/her. What attitude does your face suggest, or your hand gestures communicate? Does your gaze indicate interest and a desire to understand others? Do your shoulders or the position of your arms suggest suspicion, or do they communicate an openness to receiving new information? Does your posture say you are paying attention, bored, or something else? Effective communication helps to foster mutual understanding and respect, whether talking to a family, sitting in a classroom, or participating in a business meeting.
Yes, our words are important, but you don’t need to say a thing…to speak volumes.
Kathryn Carroll offers one-on-one coaching, listening and support for individuals facing transitions and dilemmas. She also offers workshops and retreats on a variety of life issues. Learn more by visiting www.conversationswithkatie.org or emailing her at conversationswithkatie@gmail.com.
